Comments Students Make

When I tell others that I'm a high school teacher, the reactions are usually a mixture of sympathy and horror: "OMG, how do you do it? I don't have the patience." I then go on to explain that I enjoy my job, that one needs to learn to laugh at all the crazy things, and that kids are funny.

In fact, here are some of the best lines I have heard over the years. I'm also including test answers from F in Exams by Richard Benson.

• "Ms. J, did Shakespeare write this play on paper or stone tablets?"

• Once when teaching inferences, I began with a riddle: It's something a person makes and sells to others. The person who buys it never uses it and gives it away. The person who uses it, does not know he/she is using it. What is it? A student replied by saying, "Is it an STD?!" Gotta love it. By the way the correct answer is a coffin.

• A kid who had not done his reading asked, "How do I use a quote from the movie?"
  

• I asked kids the social expectations placed on women during the 50s. A student replied by saying, "They made sandwiches."

Though the following do not come from my students, I think these quotes are fab:

• Describe the chemical difference between H2O and CO2? ------H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

• What happens during puberty to a boy?------he says goodbye to his childhood and enters adultery.

• Is the moon or the sun more important?----The moon gives us light at night when we need it. The sun only provides light in the day when we don't need it. Therefore, the moon is more important.

• Explain the phrase "free press."-------When your mom irons pants for you.

• What happens during a census?----During the census a man goes from door to door and increases the population.

• Express the term "stereotype?"------It is the kind of CD player you own.

• Explain the word "migration?"----A migration is a bad headache.

• Discuss the style of Romeo and Juliet.----It is in Islamic pentameter. The play is full of heroic couplets, one example being Romeo and Juliet.

Pet Peeves

It has come to my attention that at times I'm too perky. My comments are nice and my deliveries are polite.

In my defense, I'm a teacher and dancer, which means I hold political positions. I can't say, "WTF, did you write this s***? Are you out of your f****** mind." Or "Girl, don't tell me you are performing in that. It makes your butt look like the Goodyear Blimp." I need to approach things differently. My comments have to be something like, "I enjoyed your essay but let's talk about how we can make it better" or "Great costume, but I think a different color would look better on you." Political, baby!

To combat this overwhelming niceness that I can only attribute to my pregnancy, I am posting a few of the things that bug the crap out of me.

1. Adults who don't understand Karate Kid and Coming to America references--"Is this velvet?"
I know this is a little dated, but come on. Allusions to KK and CtA are all over the place. Everyone should know "wax on, wax off." Chris Brown sings about it in "Look at Me Now." If I'm not mistaken, Mr. Darcy mentions it in Pride and Prejudice--duh!

2. When someone eats my last piece
My father was notorious for this. I would leave the last shrimp, egg yolk, or buttered bread for last and my dad would snatch it like a thief in the night. Worst of all, he felt no shame! I would then consoled myself by thinking that it was an isolated event that would never happen outside of my family. Well, I was wrong. Friends, or so called friends, also do the same, but they disguise it by saying, "Can I have some?" This behavior bothered me so much that I had to change my eating style. I now eat the best first. If someone is going to enjoy my last shrimp, it better be me!

3. When people refer to grown ass women as girls
Silly, I know. But really, should I refer to Betty White as the girl on Golden Girls? NO, she is a grown ass woman. We don't refer to grown men as boys so why should women not receive the same respect. By the way, here is a great quote by the girl I just mentioned.

4. When students say, "You gave me an F!"
Students forget that grades are earned and not given. It's on my syllabus--yes, it is! In fact, i often want to say, "I did not give you an F. You earned an F."

Maybe I'm asking for too much, but I think that we need to be held accountable for our behavior. If the kid fails to turn in most of his/her assignment all semester, the final will not miraculously bump him/her from an F to a C. Come on! It's basic math; zero assignments plus nothing completed equals an F.

5. Cascading Toilet Paper
Really, it should be common sense that the toilet paper falls from the top; it needs to cascade down. The end of the toilet paper should not be at the bottom of the roll. It's against gravity. After the apple fell on Issac Newton's head, he confirmed the laws of gravity by looking at the cascading toilet paper. Really, this is a no brainer.